Daniel Craig
is not Bond!

Q: How can a short, blond actor with the rough face of a professional boxer and a
penchant for playing villains, killers, cranks and cads pull off the role of a tall, dark,
handsome and suave secret agent?

A: He can't!

There's no question in the minds of thousands of fans that Daniel Craig might be
the worse choice Bond producers have ever made! If you seen more one Bond
movie, you understand that he has been portrayed for more than 40 years by
actors considered good-looking by a majority of the public. Other than those
people who think that men like Mick Jagger, Lee Marvin and Ernest Borgnine are
handsome most people saw the first photo of Craig when he was announced as
Bond and said "Nah, he isn't James Bond", and they were right.

Here we expose just how badly cast Craig is as Bond, and explore what he could
really be doing as an actor with his looks!

We earnestly suggest that EON could find a variety of roles that are more
well-suited to Mr. Craig. Here's a few ideas for actor Daniel Craig's future...

(Disclaimer: No pictures of Daniel Craig were injured or killed in the making of this page!)
Daniel Craig to Star in prequel to

Daniel Craig has been cast to replay the role of
deranged caddy Carl Spackler, originated by Bill
Murray early in his film career. The new film will be
titled Caddyshack: The Early Years.

"Caddyshack: The Early Years will explore the
origin of all the interesting characters that
appeared in the original comedy. You'll find out
how young Carl Spackler learned to cross
Kentucky bluegrass and marijuana; and how he
developed his penchant for older women, and
waterlogged candy," explained director Martin
Campbell; "We think Daniel Craig has the right
stuff to recreate, this gritty, funny character."

Presently, Craig is working with an American
speech coach in order to deliver his lines with the
proper accent. In preparation for the role he has
been rehearsing the famous Dalai Lama scene
from the original Caddyshack, and has had to
recite "Gunga Gunga Galunga" more than 2500
Daniel Craig
The New Carl Spackler
Bill Murray
The 1st Carl Spackle
Daniel Craig: "I Was Born to Play

Following the trend of making old TV favorites
like 'Charlie's Angels' and 'Starsky & Hutch' into
motion pictures, casting calls are going out for
actors to recreate the Seven Castaways for
'Gilligan's Island: The Movie'.

Actor Daniel Craig has openly lobbied for the lead
role of Gilligan. Although clearly Craig bears more
than a reasonable resemblance to the late
heartthrob actor Bob Denver, his aims for the role
have raised more than a few eyebrows.

Craig explained, "In my mind I always saw
Gilligan as this character walking on the edge of a
sanity. Here's a guy trapped in the middle of
nowhere, with two birds who have no interest in
him physically. It's a wonder that he doesn't lose
it altogether and go on a murder spree.

In fact, I am advocating to producers that we do
just that with role. Imagine everything going
hunky dory on the island until one of the girls
says 'no' to his advances one two many times,
and then blam! Gilligan goes on a murder spree,
killing all of his friends and then eating their

It's a sort of cross between a situation comedy
and Silence of the Lambs. I think it would be a

There you have it. No comment yet from the
International Bob Denver Fan Club.
Daniel Craig:
Gilligan turned Lecter?
The Late Bob Denver:
Beloved as Gilligan
Daniel Craig: Could He Play the Real
Charlie Brown?

Although the translation of comic strip characters
to the big screen does not have a history of
success, one producer thinks casting Craig could
make all the difference for his new film.

"He may be wrong for 007, but he is certainly
ideal for our lead," says filmmaker Simon
Deckliss, producer director of the live-action
version of 'You're a Good Man Charlie Brown'.

Deckliss continued, "There are two aspects
which are key to successfully casting Charlie
Brown. First, he must be a dynamic actor, and
there's no doubt we have that in Craig. Second,
he must have a disproportionately large head for
his build. Let's face it, you can't getter a bigger
noggin for your money out there than Daniel

If he can convince Craig to star, Deckliss hopes
to start shooting the film in July of 2007.

Best of luck to you, Mr. Deckliss.
Zydrunas Ilgauskas:
I was called to play Bond first!

It has been revealed that months before the
recent announcement of new James Bond actor
Daniel Craig, EON Productions actually
approached basketball player Zydrunas Ilgauskas
of the Cleveland Cavaliers to play the role of
James Bond.

In an interview, Ilgauskas revealed the details of
this casting call.

Ilgauskas: "Is true. Broccoli lady call me to play
British stud James Bond. I wear tux and talk like
Bond for camera, 'Give me vodka, chaken not
stirrup'. Next day, Broccoli lady call me, say I no
get the part. I ask why, and she tell me they go
with someone shorter and uglier.

I still not know where they find man like this."
Hoops Star Zydrunas Ilgauskas,
A Bond Candidate?
Daniel Craig:
Best Choice for Bond #6?
  Italian Scientists Evaluate
Daniel Craig's Looks...

Following the surprise announcement that blond
actor Daniel Craig was cast as James Bond
Number 6, Italian scientists from the Universita Di
Piovano in Turin set about to evaluate how
Craig's face compared with the original James
Bond, Sean Connery.

The head of the research team, Professore
Angelo Baccigaluppi described the results of
their study:

"Ere at de Universita, we study the aesthetics of-a
da human face.

When they announce that dis actor, Daniel Craig,
was-a-gonna be the new James Bond, we notice
right away that de ladies in our office began-a
screaming things-a like 'che facia brutta' and-a
'che capo grosso'. Okay so the ladies no like-a
him. Why not map-a de facial characteristics of-a
Craig, and see how he compare to il primo 007,
Sean-a Connery?

We map the faces of Craig and Connery, and
transform them from one to de other to highlight
the differences, using famous software called
Morpher, invented by M.Fujimiya. You canna
Download Morpher at de following site:


As you can-a clearly see, Connery's face
degenerate massively as he becomes Craig.
When we tested dis effect on little babies, dey all
begin-a cry whenever he start to look like Craig
again. Dis-a no good news for Craig.

Den, we try to map-a Craig's face against our
database to find a closer match. We find-a three
close matches. The first is a Curly Howard of de
Tre Stooges. A managia, that Curly is a funny son
of a bitch!

The next-a match is a even closer, dis being
Curly's brother, Shemp Howard, another Stooge.
If look at de noses, you see no change between
Craig and Shemp at all. Dis also is-a bad news for
Craig, in my opinion, because-a here in Italia,
Curly is-a much more popular than Shemp.

Finalmente, we find de match which is almost-a
perfect. This is-a Neanderthal man who live a in
de cave. Dis a likeness is so uncanny, we think-a
Craig should ask his Momma if she adopt him,
cause we think we find-a his real papa."
Hasbro Proposes New Bond Toy
Series In Line with Casting of Craig

Considering how then can profit by the news that
Daniel Craig was cast to play James Bond, the
Hasbro Toy company has proposed a new line
that fits in with the image of the new 007.

After hearing from the British Press that Craig's
childhood nickname was indeed 'Mr. Potato
Head', Hasbro set off in the direction of designing
an entire line of Bond toys around Craig, and the
other Casino Royale characters for their most
beloved line of toys, Mr. Potato Head.

In a statement, Hasbro toy designer Jasper
Mackerel described the inspiration for Daniel
Craig/Bond Potato Head toys:

"It is very obvious to us why Daniel Craig's mates
called him Mr. Potato Head. The unusual shape
and proportion of Mr. Craig's head definitely
lends itself to the Mr. Potato Head toy line.

Unlike previous Bond actors, whose heads were
simply too conventional to be a real Potato Head
toy, Daniel Craig can make this line a sure winner.

In addition to James Bond, we are also offering
toys portraying the key characters of Vesper
Lynn and LeChiffre. In Craig's case, there was no
need to mold his likeness to the shape of real
potato, so we went with a scaled-down life cast of
his actual head."

Congrats to Mr. Mackerel and Hasbro. We expect
that Toys 'R' Us will have great difficulty keeping
these items on their shelves.